"26th October 2018 - If we were still together, we would have been 5 years old today but as it panned out, Two and a Half years of togetherness followed by two and a half years of being alone in almost a one sided relationship with you. It's over now!"
Each time i look back at how awful i was, how idiotic i was and what could have really changed me so much, it's this relationship. Now, when i say relationship, it doesn't mean the time i was with Ishita but also the time i have spent after her, rebuilding myself.
I was a very private person back in 2013, what i did, what i could and how many faces did i have was something only i knew of. I was aware that opening myself in all aspects to someone will help me understand myself better. I was right and i needed someone who can be crazy enough to spend a lot of time talking trash, discussing issues, fighting and working to resolve it and of course, showing me the world i was still uncomfortable with. Ishita was a Gemini, someone who knew how to fly, who was more than i could ever imagine and strong headed yet quite the opposite of all that. She was really looking for a stable companion, who would restlessly work around her, with her and listen to her stories. I think she wanted to break a pattern of untidy, controversial relationships with me and i was more than happy to do so.
Both of us started off pretty recklessly. Those were signs of what lied ahead of us, a reckless experience. Without really going into the details of how it started and how it all went, i would today reminisce about how i see it placed in my life and why this is the last anniversary i really care about.
"While leaving me, on that bright evening of summers in 2016, She said We Will be together, i promise and very soon. We will be back when we graduate! We are about to graduate very soon now!"
These words have stayed with me. I tried falling in love with people, places and things but really couldn't succeed. I am a complicated man i know. 22 Girls, a failed two day relationship and after proposing almost every girl i could - i have realised i always knew what i was trying to do. After the breakup, it was for the first time i was not thinking about being with any girl, no specific person was my dream person and i was scared because i really didn't know how to go about it but two years later, i am doing good. I can confidently tell myself that i really don't need a person to complete me and i can be pretty cold about relationships in life at large. A bunch of things happened, new friendships and bonds - but nothing could affect me and take away my sanity.
"The reality is that almost all of my relationships today including that with my parents is great and based on better understanding than ever. It's not anymore about being dependent on someone for something but about being together based on wishes on me and the other person and existing without any label - a girlfriend, a best friend, a brother!"
And very soon, i will be with some girl, i will have newer friends but this time it would be a whole lot different than what i made out of it the last time. I was a reckless lover, considering the relationship would endure all the pressures and pain and this is the only way of doing it. Obviously, i lost balance and i agree when Ishita says - We made our relationship toxic, we can still be good human beings and do that, no? I think this is what you call being mature that you realise everything works on synergy, a good career will help prosper your love, a good family life will help in your overall happiness, isn't it?
"Yet I am disturbed, i have a pain point. Ishita chose to go away and behave as if she doesn't exist. It would have a bizzilion times better for me if she was around, talking and being my good friend. That is a part i don't control and it pains me."
However, even that doesn't matter now. Much like my friends from school who never really had any idea whatsoever about who i was and were as delusional about me as i was. I have a long life to live full of amazing things - a lavish lifestyle, filled with enormous love and fledgling career. I am excited and this 26th October is when i can confidently say that i am about to graduate, Ishita ceases to be of any importance to me even if she is just an idea now and my obsession about her is only the Follow button on Instagram that i cannot press.
Each time i look back at how awful i was, how idiotic i was and what could have really changed me so much, it's this relationship. Now, when i say relationship, it doesn't mean the time i was with Ishita but also the time i have spent after her, rebuilding myself.
I was a very private person back in 2013, what i did, what i could and how many faces did i have was something only i knew of. I was aware that opening myself in all aspects to someone will help me understand myself better. I was right and i needed someone who can be crazy enough to spend a lot of time talking trash, discussing issues, fighting and working to resolve it and of course, showing me the world i was still uncomfortable with. Ishita was a Gemini, someone who knew how to fly, who was more than i could ever imagine and strong headed yet quite the opposite of all that. She was really looking for a stable companion, who would restlessly work around her, with her and listen to her stories. I think she wanted to break a pattern of untidy, controversial relationships with me and i was more than happy to do so.
Both of us started off pretty recklessly. Those were signs of what lied ahead of us, a reckless experience. Without really going into the details of how it started and how it all went, i would today reminisce about how i see it placed in my life and why this is the last anniversary i really care about.
"While leaving me, on that bright evening of summers in 2016, She said We Will be together, i promise and very soon. We will be back when we graduate! We are about to graduate very soon now!"
These words have stayed with me. I tried falling in love with people, places and things but really couldn't succeed. I am a complicated man i know. 22 Girls, a failed two day relationship and after proposing almost every girl i could - i have realised i always knew what i was trying to do. After the breakup, it was for the first time i was not thinking about being with any girl, no specific person was my dream person and i was scared because i really didn't know how to go about it but two years later, i am doing good. I can confidently tell myself that i really don't need a person to complete me and i can be pretty cold about relationships in life at large. A bunch of things happened, new friendships and bonds - but nothing could affect me and take away my sanity.
"The reality is that almost all of my relationships today including that with my parents is great and based on better understanding than ever. It's not anymore about being dependent on someone for something but about being together based on wishes on me and the other person and existing without any label - a girlfriend, a best friend, a brother!"
And very soon, i will be with some girl, i will have newer friends but this time it would be a whole lot different than what i made out of it the last time. I was a reckless lover, considering the relationship would endure all the pressures and pain and this is the only way of doing it. Obviously, i lost balance and i agree when Ishita says - We made our relationship toxic, we can still be good human beings and do that, no? I think this is what you call being mature that you realise everything works on synergy, a good career will help prosper your love, a good family life will help in your overall happiness, isn't it?
"Yet I am disturbed, i have a pain point. Ishita chose to go away and behave as if she doesn't exist. It would have a bizzilion times better for me if she was around, talking and being my good friend. That is a part i don't control and it pains me."
However, even that doesn't matter now. Much like my friends from school who never really had any idea whatsoever about who i was and were as delusional about me as i was. I have a long life to live full of amazing things - a lavish lifestyle, filled with enormous love and fledgling career. I am excited and this 26th October is when i can confidently say that i am about to graduate, Ishita ceases to be of any importance to me even if she is just an idea now and my obsession about her is only the Follow button on Instagram that i cannot press.
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