My Love Letter To Karishma Upadhyay

To,
Karishma Upadhyay,

I am in love, again! My mind, my body and my soul screams of this fact every time since the time we met. I started this blog on 26th May 2016, 10 days away from my breakup and the tone was set for a disaster, my life was about to change and so it did but it was gradual much like my love for Ishita. She stormed into my life but it took me sometime to accept her and then a lot of time for me to let go off her. A few years after she had left I was still scratching the scars and the void was huge. 

We met through Mayur and i see him as my second relationship post Ishita. I have noticed new relationships breed when the guy is in the tremors of the old one, I was when we met and clicked and he had this junior he was obsessed about, Karishma. I remember meeting you somewhere in February 2018 and you immediately knew i was this broken heart serious guy who has a lot of respect, who works a lot but really isn't happy, he is still upset and feels he was broken for no reason. I could see you process this but something pulled you back, it was your secret relationship of which you were a part of and under it's legalities you couldn't reveal it as is the nature of a secret and not quite the nature of love. You seemed lost too, you were in a relationship now i know but you weren't feeling touched i felt and i had it in me, of which i am a big bragger about myself but then you won't let me in! Stories would change when you would...

21 April last year, we had a conversation when you sent me a spoken word about Pehli Doosri Mohabbat and i said, I am not looking for anyone but i am very hopeful about accidents. You were still not around the corner till then! You were mostly acting superficial and really not allowing me to talk you through, i was being just another person for you. I remember talking to you about something where i expected deeper replies and you swayed away talking like a Bimbo, I hated you in that moment and told you i give up. We had conversations when i convinced you to choose Mayur and then we took a break. You didn't quite message me in the entire 7th Semester, I was busy with CAT and you were busy with life and later your heartbreak. It's ironical though, not texting at all in 7th Semester, almost unknowing ourselves and then involving in ways so magical to us.

I still remembering watching you on 1st February at IGDTU. You were there for Mayur and also because i wanted you to be there for Mayur. We met Reetika and somehow your disapproval of her mattered to me quite a lot. It was as if you knew and could clearly say what i was feeling, you gave me the feeling that you want to save me from that uncomfortable situation. And then, we guys decided to meet when my parents will be out for drinking.

We drank when you came, it was such a strange night. Talking to you, a little drunk i would admit and really feeling close to you. Something in my heart wanted something to happen, some spark, some moment of realisation for both of us. It saddened me that night also, the possibility that this night wont yield anything but will just be a meetup, i wanted more out of it, clearly a lot of more. The moment when you were in the kitchen and i was lying down looking at you, it almost got me emotional, you can count it as one of the initial moments i really wanted you! The strangeness of the circumstances only added to my wanting and you had already exceeded the minimum bars for being someone to me, you werent part of the 28 girls club who adored me, here, i adored you like a friend, like a companion or maybe a lover. But that would require us to address the elephant in the room, Jeevesh. When Mayur so wanted to leave, my heart wanted you to stay but not him, it's rude to admit i know but it was more about you already than him. When he left, i remember feeling a little nervous but i knew we arent the types who would jump on each other and fuck like bunnies, we instead made love that day, we created room for love to come in and exist and that happened when you cried over your controversial 'ex'. In everything you said, you felt betrayed. You told me how cannot believe how people operate on this planet and that took me back in my own times when i would wet my pillows. I wanted to give you my shoulder but my feelings were overridden by caution. I wanted you to feel safe but tell me still more. You did and suddenly, i felt you weren't the Karishma i knew anymore. Two things happened, something changed in me as i realised who you were. Your life story and your commitment to the secret relationship came forward and connected themselves. It was a moment of clarity when i knew you, for the first time and then immediately i loved you. I loved who you were and what made you cry. I loved the fact that i knew more of you than you thought you told me. You were me and i knew us! 

I wanted to make you tea and you were wearing my hoody in your morning 'just woke up' look. I wasn't different from you in that moment, i felt like I was in company of someone i share myself with and i wanted to hug you for the first time. You hug frequently but it was different for me - i hardly hugged anyone but my mom and now, i wanted to hug you. We sat for the tea and you had to leave but i still wanted this day to continue. When you left i wanted to sleep, not really though, i wanted to know if i would wake up and still feel so much into you. I admit it was difficult for me to sleep and then also, the entire night of waking up couldn't make me feel sleepy, i felt something strange after so long. I could imagine you sitting across the bed and telling me how you feel about anything, that in itself was pretty special. We had almost no conversation that day but you joined me the next day. 

Now, when i think of it, I am so happy, i am so glad you came yet in that moment i was scared, is it right? is it ethical? And scared about leaving myself and losing out on my identity i had cultivated for last 3 years after Ishita. I was about to lose her, i was about to lose her as a one sided lover, i was about to betray her in a one sided relationship and i hated it every time it happened. I would go back being the lone lover, it was liberating and everything else was a prison. I was about to change and then you stepped in the room, I changed and I was in love. 

You looked Hot in your black leather jacket, you looked so good that even if i am asked to have sex with you I wont because that would require me to undo you and you looked so good in it. I felt you were so out of my league but i knew you were there for me. I had to live upto your standards, I had to put up a show for you and make you feel good but i forgot that the showmanship exist for the external world, not for twin souls who meet, eyes cross and they know they belong to each other. We belonged to each other in that moment. You sat and we talked, we talked about you. You spoke about yourself in a way you had never done and i loved you, I loved you for who you were and for your beautiful mind. We realised we were so similar, so similar that it made us smile for next six hours. Mayur came and he was shocked, he already knew the ball he threw towards the sky launched itself to the moon. We were on the moon, together. 

You left that night and i was pacing back and forth my house thinking about you. I was clearly blushing and i wanted something to happen. Something had already happened. Mayur came and did enough to make me feel i was right in assuming i was in love and so he was, with the idea that we could be together, unfortunately he had to create the space for it by sacrificing himself. He did, he had to! We talked in the night and it was magical, i felt so much in love that it made me cry. I cried because i suddenly recalled the Abhishek who i thought died few years back, the lover boy, the illogical gentleman, the husband to a girlfriend, the one who kept someone else over himself and in that moment i was everything to you. Count that moment when i was truly in love with you, conventionally i would agree to this almost a week back but i was already in love. 

The days that followed after this, be it 13, 14 or even 15 lead to our 'i don't know' becoming more of 'i know its you'. Now, more than a month later, you are one of the most important occurrence in my life - You happened, without control, without permission, almost instantly - much like a magic. I have fallen in love with you deeper and deeper with each passing day. I love how you think - in those serious conversations you had with me or someone else when i was around i felt so happy, you are smart and in some cases alot smarter than me. You have a heart of gold, in your honest eyes i found myself captivated. You can look at me in ways that even if there's absolutely no dialogue, you can still make me cry. I like to cry for you. I still remember standing next to you at the place so close to my house but i could never go, the top floor where my heart broke. Being with you there was a loop completed and i was so emotional in saying, I have waited for you for quite long. It was as if my loneliness was speaking through me and i was telling you, i am not alone anymore, you make me feel like i am with someone who can never let me be alone in anything and i cried. 

I also cried the day i was so involved in you, in that legendary room of 9th block where we sort of first showed each other how passionate we are for ourselves. In holding you and your feet, keeping it on me and telling you caressing your feet that i belong here, that i worship you and that you hold a place in my life next to my god. In crying in that moment, i told you and myself that i have crossed the last of the bridge of strangerhood. That i was totally in love with you spiritually. I like to hug you, to kiss you and then to lie naked with you because for me, it isnt the physical pleasure that i seek, it's the spiritual connection. It's as if i have this tremendous drive when i am around you and it's almost as if something superior is pushing me towards you, i respect that, i respect feeling so strongly about you. I love you in a way i can never explain, i will still try, always and would lie until i dont have the proper words for it but i want to tell you, the urge to make you happy, the wish and desire to be yours and the determination to tell you how much i love you will never end, it never started, it's truly infinite. Didnt you feel the moment you stepped in my life that you belong here? That's because i never started loving you, i was always there perhaps waiting for you to complete your chores and open your arms. We were meant to be...

Everything is coming together in a perfect manner, touchwood, it's crazy how close we are within a time people barely get to know each other and it's awesome how much i can rely on you. I see family in you, a family that would outlast all my other ones. I see you as my permanent, my constant and that support that i would never let go off. I want you to be mine as i am yours and let this saga be part of those legends that would make people believe in the fact that love does truly exist and that lovers dont finally meet but are within each other right from the moment they are born. 

Yours Lovingly,
Abhishek Mishra