Nothing Poetic

 I realized I did not write for a long time. I realized I haven't been true to myself for a long time either. I feel old. I feel limited. I don't feel special anymore. 

Yes, I am trying to improve. I went to gym. I started budgeting. I tried to work hard on my job yet I don't want to stand up and clap for my efforts. I have at best given my 30% to any task I have done lately and this disappoints me. The lack of obsession disappoints me. The feeling of tearing myself out of my limitation and showing a brave face to my life everyday is missing and that disappoints me. 

If I am at gym, I feel like I have escaped the pain it offers, almost missing out on any physical transformation I set for. If I am at work, I have escaped the work to an extent I am almost questioned about my abilities at work. If I have to be honest, I am not doing anything at work. I feel so ordinary. I don't feel good about any of my efforts lately. If I am in relationship, I feel like I am just letting it be. I have stopped enjoying the seasons and stopped enjoying the person I am with. I am not meditating, I am not reading, I am not excercising well, I am not eating well, I am not feeling good about myself and I don't have energy left within me for anything. I don't work like I am here to make a difference. I don't treat my girl the way she deserves. All of this has to change. 

I have got more than I deserved, always. I don't want to feel like this. What's the point of all the hardwork and being tough on oneself? You become lousy. It reflects on your personality so badly. In the quest of things not affecting you a 100%, you stop giving your complete self to the work which is disappointing. I feel so BASIC. I feel like I am just being an animal, playing defensive and offensive. 

And at the end of the day, I don't feel in control of anything. I am letting external forces shape my life. Where am I? Not really at alot of places. I want to be here. I want to be intensely present in each aspect of my being. I want to live if that's the task at hand and I want to grow madly. 

Things will change I promise to myself! Kudos