A Lover's Last Love Letter

hi my name is abhishek and i am turning 21 in two days! i am a very romantic person by heart extracting most of my perception about love and life from bollywood! And fortunately the last few years of my teen were filled with love by an amazing soul, who worked to fulfil a lot of my bollywood fantasies like - 

fighting the society to stay together

spending my hard earned money on her 

doing the smallest of things just imagining how big she would smile!
imagining our marriage and naming our kids

making sacrifices that no one except me knows about or can imagine!

However, she left me last year almost suddenly, reasons for the separation were told much later to me! just after my breakup, i went into denial mode! i felt she would come back and when i finally decided to tell her i want her back i faced a lot of rudeness and insults. Thats probably the worst place to be - being tied to someone who doesn't care for you anymore! The sweet lover in me tried to convince me of her goodness and justified her while the selfish lover cussed her and her influence… This monologue is a message from a lover who is trying to accept the separation, or maybe not!  

Cutting another call... Ignoring another message, love I don't know about the past but this isn't something which both of us are liking! I am so sure I am making it tough for you...

I have to say this-

Why we broke?

We broke because I did things you didn't want me to do!

What am I doing right now?

Still the things you don't want me to do!

Makes complete sense to me not to do those things!
To accept your words that you have indeed moved on!

I am desperate for hints that you would get back, about meeting you and hearing you but unless you don't want the same... It will surely not benefit any!

I am going through a very natural thing called breakup and I don't think I can avoid it unless you choose so which seems harder with each day! If someone who used to love me so much fell out of it, there must be a strong reason!

But then,

It mattered to me from always, I was always eager to talk and meet and waited for all this while for you to come back! My silence was my overconfidence in us that made me feel you would come back love! It wasn’t my acceptance! So don't think I was into breakup, yes I wasn't aggressive enough to have you back coz I made myself numb! You left... and this idiot deserves it!

Why to meet? Why to put statuses screaming that I am waiting? It doesn't make any sense! I don't think I won you by my immaturity on that saturday we first met, instead I promised you that I won't be in relationship with you like others do, I care to just help you! I think it's high time for me to remember my own promise! i am an emotional fool we know  and that's what failed me in this relationship! Well got me into it too but You taught me that instinctive reactions might be honest but not beneficial if you say it without considering the feelings of other person! Your relationship cannot work in extremes saying breakup and I love you in the same sentence, it needs a balance too! Something I could never provide...

Now, Wish me great success in facing this suffering (it's horrible out here trust me) and wish me luck in gettin out of the breakup fog, earlier! Your literally the best thing that ever happened to me... I love you and I will always care for you even if I miss out that important place where I could have made contributions!

You came out of us early and strongly, keep it up and play satisfyingly with your life, make our not being together worth it, you have really given up what matters enormously to us and to most in order  to discover yourself, I will be the happiest if you can do so! Watch me applaud and whistle ( if I learn) from some distance...

And Sorry for making those mistakes I shouldn't have, trust me I repent them more than you do but your love sticked through most and helped me get better with so many things... I never forget goodwills, my life's yours for being such an amazing mentor! You taught me and corrected me like a mother, became my support system! I have lost my family in you for you were more to me on this planet than anybody, yes anybody ( I wish you know this) but we know these are stories written in advance, none of us can do much from here on and I have to have it on my chin! I hate being single just coz it was you whom I coupled with! I wish i could have kept my bars up enough to stay around you forever! It's frightening without you dear! But Let's do it...

At the end I want something from you, You pass the akshardham station each day right? Go to that slab where you used to sit and look at that temple we used to see together and let the air pass your silky hairs, amidst that moment just leave a smile! So when I reach there someday and do the same, I can smile automatically!

i never got any reply for this letter i wrote to her. She never called me up and told me how she felt about it. What makes this letter utterly emotional for us is that you can see a broken hope in there, you can see an almost dying person asking the doctor to save him… she never returned!

And then i will tell you… that a person might leave you astray in your life breaking your hopes or making you sad but it takes this one decision to ask yourself to understand the other person for once - and in that moment you realise she wasn't wrong, she was just pursuing her happiness much like i am doing by telling this to her! And then you grasp this simplest principle around that each person on this planet cares for their own happiness… think about it and you might forget forever how to hate somebody!!! So on 1st may on my birthday i will go to akshardham metro station and sit on that slab for some while, not because i would want her to join me but because i am still in search of what i might find over there - my smile wrapped in my hope!

Thank you so much!