I am down with 102 today, my brain seems all clogged up, eyes fail to open, energy has sunken down to an enormous level and i am listening to Shiva's Tandav - It's relaxing!
Yesterday, suddenly towards the evening i gained to energy to walk 10 km at stretch, only to sleep back and wake up even more miserable. A question keeps hovering over me, can i die out of this?
Maybe not but the kind of feelings i have right now needs a writing. I am listening to the old songs that once made me feel good, listening to interviews and people who once inspired me to wake up, nothing is working to be honest. And then, this urge not to hang out for longer is painful. I have reached to a point in my thinking that even if i am to leave everything behind and go away, it wont cringe my soul. I have said to myself from past two days constantly, let it come, i am ready!
It is rather dramatic to feel this way but then, my complete life has been a drama only. I remember telling myself at 12 that i can die when i am 22! Here i am, 22! Having lived my life in a way many would only dream off, pinch of spirituality, intensity and achievement. I am been irrational and have still managed to sound very logical about it. I have great friends and disciples in living life and i have friends who would never take me seriously.
I have a broken heart, irresistible enough to say no to me each time i want it to think of someone other than Ishita despite of knowing what a mirage she was when my life was mere desert. I have broken ties and ties in making, until i realise, i dont need them anymore. This comfort in being alone and struggling with my own conscience is the basis of my life. My life these days is like, i stay in my den and think of everything possible, i go out and do something and then i am back here.
But i wish to die... It's a wish more than the verdict of life. I might die, i may not but something will have to change drastically in my life post this. I will have to recreate what i have seen dying in me for all these years. The energy and zeal to ace in life and to do things in the way, artists does.
The problem is i cant explain exactly what i mean but i mean something i was and something i am not. Right now, i am just a corpse, struggling to find my shiv, my energy within me!
Let's see where it goes!
Yesterday, suddenly towards the evening i gained to energy to walk 10 km at stretch, only to sleep back and wake up even more miserable. A question keeps hovering over me, can i die out of this?
Maybe not but the kind of feelings i have right now needs a writing. I am listening to the old songs that once made me feel good, listening to interviews and people who once inspired me to wake up, nothing is working to be honest. And then, this urge not to hang out for longer is painful. I have reached to a point in my thinking that even if i am to leave everything behind and go away, it wont cringe my soul. I have said to myself from past two days constantly, let it come, i am ready!
It is rather dramatic to feel this way but then, my complete life has been a drama only. I remember telling myself at 12 that i can die when i am 22! Here i am, 22! Having lived my life in a way many would only dream off, pinch of spirituality, intensity and achievement. I am been irrational and have still managed to sound very logical about it. I have great friends and disciples in living life and i have friends who would never take me seriously.
I have a broken heart, irresistible enough to say no to me each time i want it to think of someone other than Ishita despite of knowing what a mirage she was when my life was mere desert. I have broken ties and ties in making, until i realise, i dont need them anymore. This comfort in being alone and struggling with my own conscience is the basis of my life. My life these days is like, i stay in my den and think of everything possible, i go out and do something and then i am back here.
But i wish to die... It's a wish more than the verdict of life. I might die, i may not but something will have to change drastically in my life post this. I will have to recreate what i have seen dying in me for all these years. The energy and zeal to ace in life and to do things in the way, artists does.
The problem is i cant explain exactly what i mean but i mean something i was and something i am not. Right now, i am just a corpse, struggling to find my shiv, my energy within me!
Let's see where it goes!
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