I had a word with a common friend of me and my ex today. I really felt i am holding onto something that's not so special and not so deserving i guess. Here I paint this:
I was desperate for a relationship at an age where i really was going by my feelings. It was more about finding an escape from the disappointments of life rather than finding someone to share myself with and that lead to alot of conflicts.
The relationship, since i was unprepared was molded by ishita - now ishita is a girl who is driven by demons almost always but has somehow lost the human touch in her because of alot of reasons. I met a girl who was destroying herself and was peppy from outside, black and dark from inside. She demanded alot of attention and it was the best vent for my frustation and escaping, there i was in a relationship that was based on the dark sides of two personalities.
There was little i found interesting about Ishita apart from her self destructive pursuits and mystery behind. I wanted to explore that and pretty much the only option i had was being in relationship with her. The relationship turned out to be TOXIC, she was right. She was toxic and unfortunately the real driver of the relationship because as i said, i was unprepared and immature.
I would say, i was sincere and passionate though. I misled myself to think i can destroy my own legacy and let her stay because that's the long battle at last. Slowly, the seduction turned into making me someone she can use to further illuminate her darkness, further play the victim and further destroy herself - which was completely opposite to my plan. The only thing in her favor was she was good looking for my standards which i have realised is a difficult trade off given how complex and dark her inner side was.
She left me devastated and tried every inch to do so. I can imagine her being happy and ecstatic watching me hurl down the ground. She did everything, said everything to bring me where she was all these years ago and maybe that's the prize i got of loving her mistakingly.
In discussion, it turned out she is shallow and has become cynical about life and people in general. Something she always hated but i felt she was vulnerable of doing. She cannot be at the core of my decisions at all and my life seeks a push, a move on really. I would be really happy to move on now. I think i have changed only for better and have grown to handle myself better and i think i am prepared for another heavy action packed relationship. One that's not about my pocket, my house or my standard but one that is about how loving i am from inside.
I have this tendency to defend others after some time, i think people in this world are good and can never really hurt others by choice but i am wrong, obviously. People can be toxic and you can be their dumpyard and the only one who can save himself from this is you.
As she said today, my loving friend in our dear conversation - FUCK IT! LIVE IT... Aah these are profound words and i have no idea how i will make this happen but it's high time i deburden myself of the hope and love for this someone, who hardly ever cared. It's just that i had to live by this phase of heartbreak and i have had my share of it, it's time to go on and look for all the love that's waiting for me!
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