To You, With Love

Life is a journey, we are all on road. The road turns and we turn with it. We think we are thinking, guiding our journey but if you go back to the last microsecond of any decision you will find - ultimately it was all based on feelings. How do I feel while taking this turn? Years later, while thinking about that decision you took which brought you here, you will not remember that micro-second. Then, you will try to make sense of it and most of the time, thanks to the ego, 

you will be wrong.

When I was breaking up, I never thought the decision will change my life. In fact, I never decided to break up. I can never break up, it is against hope and fighting spirit. Yes, in a relationship, I have this weird habit of asking for a breakup but most of the time, it is a demand - asking from my partner that I am worthy of her love. Need for her validation, which is the most important thing for me in life. 

I could leave Ishita back at her home and could come back to mine without uttering a word because I didn't feel important in her at that moment. I felt like baggage and remotely, I didn't want to feel that way about myself in her life. I was angry. I knew she was weak and I wanted to be her support. When someone is weak, they don't leave you and just want to be with you. You get to hear I love you every day. When she did not call me back, I called her back and she was not needy. As days passed, she would go to other people and cry about the end of our relationship but she never came to me with that weakness, never! We met also and it felt so normal, no awkwardness. I cried that night on phone asking her to come back but she won't. I was becoming the weaker of the two and I was not able to understand why she is not the needy Ishita I knew. What will it take for her to want me, again?

I waited. I hardly called her and in that silent storm, she moved on. She found new people she could depend on, who were willing to give her everything I could or perhaps, more. I still remember, how my life changed one day when I decided to call her up. I wanted to have her back and I was tired of waiting. She clearly told me she is not interested and I could not believe that my hopes have been shattered. I had this hope that she cannot leave me, that she would understand why I did what I did. She would understand the purity of my desire for her. The next few months were shitty, I would cry every night and daydream about her. In my imagination, she was prettier now, she would turn me on more and more, I would want to sit with my guitar and only think about her, all the songs that reminded me of her. The last time we talked, I cried on call again. Please come back to me, I was clear in saying that and I regretted being so late. She didn't want me, She occasionally showed her concern but I felt like she wanted to get rid of me now. I was not baggage anymore, I was a disgrace, a stain or an old book she was too embarrassed to read in public, in front of her mom. I was her prized possession when we met and I was a disgrace when she left. She told me, I fell in love with a strong guy who would not cry like this and I wiped my tears, told her - I will not cry, please come back now? And in that silence, I knew she was not, so I cried again. She will definitely not come now. 

Off late only, I realized that in life, I have two key motivators - validation and growth. Growth is why I start most of my things and validation keeps me going. Now, that I was invalidated, I wanted to grow. I had so much energy in me and I wanted to try everything that came my way. I didn't work so I will forget her but I wanted her to see me and regret. I wanted her to want me. I became active on social media, started posting and designing my life in a way that when her mouse hovers over it, she regrets. Every action of mine was to intensify her regret. Occasionally, I would see her picture and she looked happy and it used to hurt me. Then, She fell in love again and it killed me. I lost the last hope of winning her back. I could not help but compare myself to her boyfriend. The only distraction was finding distractions, everything was a distraction and I was embarrassed. I wanted to just be a teacher again but decided it is not ambitious enough. Then, I wanted to do MBA and it clicked. I just felt like it is the answer to all my questions. I wanted to run away from these metro stations and start a different life, a life where I am not distracting myself off. A life where I am passionate about things. 

Somehow, everything began and found it's closure at the right time. Everything in my life was pushing me towards getting into a business school. I never prepared well for any competitive exam in life but this time I did. I locked myself and studied. I became weird and studied, I loved it. After exam and results, I wanted to just relax. I wanted to focus on life again. I wanted to live life fully as I felt less in the grip of the breakup black hole. 

I started going to the gym for myself. I started looking for love for myself. That's when i met you, in the strangest of the strange ways. I met someone who wanted me and I felt so happy, that someone wants me again. You were quick and you took over all the aspects of my life, I was surprised and we were really happy. I felt so wanted and I felt so happy. I still remember the day when I crossed my way with Ishita for the last time, you were with me. I always wanted you to know that you are a part of my life, a life that was once someone else's. I have been careless about my heart but not this time. I wanted a peaceful life with you. When I saw her, I was scared. It was looking at someone who died for you a few years back. I realised I don't want to know if she is alive or dead. I mean, the only way I loved her was through my memories and this girl was not the same girl. Time whitewashes the feeling between two people and the same person can feel so toxic who was once the scent of your life. I wanted to quickly end college and go somewhere because the college still felt like a life I have moved away from. I was all prepared to leave, Kashipur or any other place that was immaterial but I just wanted to start a new life but you were here. It was strange, the timing of what happened last year, that accident but I feel in life everything is so intentional. In that heat of May, we were running here and there to save you from something that was not supposed to happen. Difficult time it was! I was happy that you got better after surgery and with a lot left here, I went. 

Now, you know life in Ranchi was super tough for me. Whenever something is new, my consciousness expands but it takes some time. I wanted to run away from that place, I didn't want to be controlled that way. I felt shitty and was just reacting. I am happy that I have learned in life that you can't compromise on career and love. So, getting a good internship among people who were just running behind it was a big thing for me. I was happy and felt accomplished. It was high and I wanted to share it with you. So, I came here and met you. It was really good to be with you but to be with someone naked in a bed, when you haven't had the time to touch someone for three life-changing months was weird. It felt forced, It felt incomplete. It felt 'not mine'. You were somehow really into me and I was looking at you like a friend. I was not able to understand why I was feeling this way? When I came back, you were missing me and I was confused. I never thought distance will do this to me but I really didn't connect with you like I once did. I had nothing to do and I had nowhere to go. I wanted to distract myself again. You wanted me but I didn't want you the way I once used to. What changed? I didn't know. Here, I was feeling this attraction towards this new girl. It was mostly physical and I was convincing myself about us. But the fact that I was so confused made me act in a weird way. I told her we broke up and let the dice roll. I thought, if the two of us work out, I would break up with you and each time, I felt it was happening, that she was hard to resist, I gave you some reason to go away. In a few days, when we got closer, I realized I didn't like her as a person. I didn't like her motivations and I can't let her have me this easy. Our confusion was killing me and I told her, I want to go back to Delhi and decide. I felt I will feel something between us again when I meet you and this will settle my confusion. 

When we met in December, you could feel the unrest. You could feel the confusion in my head. The vibe was different. I wanted to just be honest about how I was feeling and you were filled with so many emotions too. In that Oyo room, the worst night of my life happened. The vibe was killing me and I didn't know what to do. We just came back and you were crying. I was feeling so guilty of doing this to someone who for the first time really wants me. I was sorry. I came back and decided to forget you when you asked to meet me. Now, here is the thing, I know you will not leave this easily because you don't have a reason. So, I came and met you. You were so understanding, you were so honest and you wanted me. For all my life, I want to be wanted and here you were, asking me to stay. I decided to forget everything and be with you. Now, even when I was feeling confused or not in love, I will just love you, for you want me and that's what I want. Back in Ranchi, I was feeling weird when the girl met another boy and started her relationship. The way she was showing me off her companionship would make me jealous sometimes because I was still this confused guy. I decided to get rid of this confusion and bring some clarity, so I told you everything about my feelings. You were devastated and for me, that was the price you were paying in not realizing the presence of this. 

I was super honest about my feelings and I was guilty. I loved the fact that you still wanted me but that respect was gone, that sense of trust was gone and it was obvious. There is some doubt in your head but Ishita was really not significant at this point in my life. I was confused and that was more important to me. My basis of having her was gone, I wanted to be with her because I wanted to feel wanted but here I am, I don't want someone who wants me. 

You came to Ranchi and it was for the first time, I realized that one, Ranchi is not my life and it will be over soon. Two, it was the distance that confused me. For me, the presence of someone is very important - her smell, her smile, her touch, everything. I felt so complete and so in love. I was happier because my confusion was over. I felt I was back and happy. I realized it was just our distance that made me unsure. When you went, I knew I was unhappy because I was not growing in terms of my MBA life, a lot of time was wasted. Like in BTech also, for the first year I was just following what the college said and living my love life. Here also, for four months I was doing the same. Second-year was all about breakup and transition, like here, it was a time of finding myself and transitions. The third-year was all about working hard for the world that was outside, here also, I started working for the internship and this trend will continue and like the fourth year, here also I will get placed and enjoy my final days in college. If the breakup was supposed to happen, we won't have been together right now, think about this. The tougher phase has passed, at least for now. I some times feel, I should leave you and go around the world to explore life but then I know you will never stop me. Having you in life is a gift rather than a responsibility. I know you have gone through a lot because of me but I am just a car you bought thinking I will perform well. The problem was with me. I was put into situations that I didn't behave normally and that's part of growing up. I don't regret doing what I did for I was trying to be honest to myself. I hate myself for doing a lot of things but not when I can repair and take things in better directions. 

So, do I still wanted Ishita to see I am a success? She knows and I know that too. I am successful and I am happy I don't think about her these days. You know I had weird habits of looking at her number in the true caller to see if she is on call or write a hi to her on WhatsApp knowing it won't reach her. To miss her and look at people who look like her remotely. Kashu, I don't feel like any of this anymore. A few days back, I had this notification - Ex is on the duo, say hi! My mind said - Interesting, she is late on this, I hope she is doing fine during the quarantine. Must be in the hospital! And then, nothing. I just didn't do anything. I didn't feel anything and went back to work. Last time Riddhima held Naman in front of me, I didn't feel anything. Last time I saw you, I fell in love again. Karishma, it's my journey and I am not perfect but I am honest. I really love you and I really respect you for your ability to love someone whole-heartedly. I don't love you because I want you to want me, I want you to feel like your love life is also sorted with me. I want to promise that you will know about my moods and feelings before anyone else. I want you to be current with what I feel but that doesn't mean this relationship is only about me. You have some issues and unfortunately, some of them are with me but I want you to be direct with me. I want you to guide me so I don't disappoint you. I want you to behave like we are there forever. I want you to know that we are and two people, so sure of each other are together - not in a war or any sort of constant push and pull, the life might seem very normal but there is a lot of sukoon. I never wanted to break your heart or to bring you where you are right now, doubting me but I feel better off now. I feel I have more answers now than before. I value you. It took some time but I do. I want you to want me but that's not why I am with you. I am here for the other reason - growth and when I work really hard and come back to you - share with you my success and failure - I am the happiest. I love the fact that I am not alone and I feel so secure. I know with time, you will start feeling the same. I just want you to stick with me and bring back the enormous patience with which you love everyone, that hope you have in your mom, still and that vulnerability which is a gift you give to someone you love. I told you, you aren't Beck, you are Love. You can kill people/problems/issues for Joe and Joe wants to say, I love you. I hate the ending of You because it shows Joe is in some sort of habit of looking for girls to chase them up. I want to believe that Joe found her Love in LA just like I found you in the back-canteen of our college. I love you and I will eventually get obsessed with you, give me some time and let me grow. I know you know what's right for me, like always and and and, always keep telling me where I am wrong because I am learning too, learning to love you just the way you want.