Wearing my half foggy specs to look at my laptop screen as I lie back on the bed and type - I look back at my journey. The song in the background is O Rangrez, a song that takes me back to 2013 which is quite far now, both in my head and in my reality.
I remember myself in school, I remember my motivations and my fears. I was just proudly ignorant about a lot of things in life. I thought as long as I collect the currencies of success as set by the system and I have enough of them in my piggy bank, I should not panic. At first, there were no systems but when I entered the school it was really tough, to make sense of the system. All these variables - teachers, bench mate, walls, playground, time table, home work and what not. It was too overwhelming for me. I remember that i could not make friends in school easily as I was not in the habit of forming relationships and keeping them, specially after making effort. I remember shying away from activites, forgetting homework, crying alot and not wishing to go to school at all. I remember the assemblies where i would look at the sky and would want to scream so loud that my dad or mom would hear and they will know that i dont want to be here. The tiffin box my mom would give me would make me cry thinking about the effort she is putting in every morning for me to come to this place i dont even like, and they want me to win here? Its very weird how days became years and things changed so much. How my consciousness grew to engulf the complete school. How the same place made me root for it so much when i left it because it made me grow and that is for sure. It gave me these challenges I thought I would never conquer. I used to walk the place with this low confidence and esteem but the urge to fight. To be great academically, never settling for any less - keep trying to be better at it. To be known among people, to go on stage and challenge myself. I used to steal things in school, I used to be very unfocussed. Probably in second standard when i won the dance competition when my teacher forced me, I realised for the first time that i really want her to feel good about me as a kid. I want her to look at me the way she was and so I became this loyal and good kid. It was around 4th standard when I decided that i will not be ordinary in my studies and make that effort. That was the time i started preparing hard for each and every test. This was a habit that took me to a lot of places and made me a topper in years to come. I forgot everything and completely gave myself away to studies because i realised that was the currency that can unlock teh doors to any place for me. I was so happy. I used to like this one girl - she was hot and in my brother's class but I didnt have the courage to tell her that. I got really obsessed about her. She became part of my world, a world my parents had no idea about. Then, i forgot her and eyed this new girl. so, i wanted to fall in love, i wanted to score 100 on 100 in everything, probably win any competition i be a part of and thats it. If my life was that way forever maybe i would have been fine but no... I wanted to crack IIT now. I read a book which was pretty thin, i wonder if the length of book was much i would have not read it and then IIT would have never struck me. I started preparing for these coaching tests and did better than average mostly but not too good. I was never good at olympiads, never. I prepared for it and got into fiitjee. When i cleared 10th, I didnt know my life was about to change completely.
I lost the academic hold I had in life because of the pressure at coaching which I hated. I hated not being able to focus on school, I hated not being able to do well in coaching which was another new challenge in my life. given a choice to go back, I would have simply focused on school and boards, thats it. I would have read more and I would have focused on developing myself during those last few years in school. I really felt I can end up in IIT, i wished for it very hard because thats where the smart people go. It is a stamp on my abilities which I still seeking after 10 years of entering into school. 11th standard was the lowest I have ever felt about myself, i was surely in some depression and not balanced at all. I took the right call, the reason was dumb maybe but the call was right. I remember the first time, things seemed to ease and i realised i am going no where. My heart just wanted to make a come back and i proposed Sakshi. She, to my surprise, denied. We were not a match at all, see could see it but i couldnt. I was just tired of failing. i wanted to win her so bad, more than anything else now. I fucked up alot but the pain of rejection was eating me. I was so rejected I want to do well academically in school, forget about fiitjee and become the head boy whenever i get that chance. In coming summer, things will take a huge turn. I would drop out of fiitjee, come back to school and focus. Leaving fiitjee was the first time i accepted that i can fail, though not completely. I became the headboy and the glamour was amazing. thats all i wanted my entire life and it came for free to be honest. I wanted a girlfriend now but sakshi wont oblige so i started talking to as many girls i could on facebook. Those days my internet consumption was all about chatting with girls and so i made alot of friends, people i thought were too cool to be my friend. my circle grew and i came in contact with ishita. she became the central point of my life because it was the huge missing peice of my life - finding love and it was right there. when school got over, i was shocked. i didnt prepare for it, in fact i ignored its end completely and then, i could not take it. I ran away from vipassana, I didnt study for IIT exams, I could not clear my head over DU admissions, so finally i was at home, defeated, not getting admission anywhere at all.
i think everything was gone, thats how it felt at that time. it was so sad and depressing. the relationship was also unnecessary and dishonest. gandharva was great but then i also left it. its easy to leave things when you think the most important thing is gone and that was school. my world revolved around winning it and now it was gone. i had no choice, with tensions in house, i started studying but also waiting to meet ishita, also to find some work, to study. I got into college next year which was a big relief. to be very honest, i just wanted to go to a college and hardly cared about the degree, fees or anything. i was desperate but i hated college. i hated the fact that i didnt go to IIT. that i felt so bad about myself as a person. what did i achieve? a girlfriend, yes and so i did everything to maintain her as i thought if she runs away, nothing will be left. whenever i feel like that, mostly it goes away and she was slipping away in front of my eyes. i got a tuition, got some money but the relationship was failing me. 2016 when i broke up, i entered into a disgusting phase of my life. i questioned everything. i didnt want to live for sure. i tried killing myself but i could not. I know i have never felt that helpless, that lost and that dead at any point of time in my life. who am i if not this person, not school? where to go? who will tell me? so i started going to any place that would expect me. talking to any person who would expect me? my friendships improved for the first time. my understanding improved. I was looking at myself from a different lens now. it was the lens of self growth and self improvement. all those good things made sense now. i was not limited. i was free and exploring. I decided to do MBA. in my last call to ishita, i told her that i will do MBA and everything from that day was to do MBA, why? dont know... it suits me maybe. at least more than engineering. did so many things, built resume and entered IIM Ranchi. in ranchi, again everything changed. i felt like i am asked to do things i did so well in school but dont want to do now. i felt little about myself again but with this new understanding now, i was actually doing well. As i sit here and write today, i can say last year has been the most important year in terms of my self understanding. I am changing so rapidly and learning things about myself so quickly.
So whats the plan?
the plan is to be free. the plan is to challenge myself and also make friends, love, money.
joy lies in creating i see... whenever i do somethign and i feel it happened because of me, i feel i have done something significant in life. my life, other people's life. so thats what i will do - create.
I remember myself in school, I remember my motivations and my fears. I was just proudly ignorant about a lot of things in life. I thought as long as I collect the currencies of success as set by the system and I have enough of them in my piggy bank, I should not panic. At first, there were no systems but when I entered the school it was really tough, to make sense of the system. All these variables - teachers, bench mate, walls, playground, time table, home work and what not. It was too overwhelming for me. I remember that i could not make friends in school easily as I was not in the habit of forming relationships and keeping them, specially after making effort. I remember shying away from activites, forgetting homework, crying alot and not wishing to go to school at all. I remember the assemblies where i would look at the sky and would want to scream so loud that my dad or mom would hear and they will know that i dont want to be here. The tiffin box my mom would give me would make me cry thinking about the effort she is putting in every morning for me to come to this place i dont even like, and they want me to win here? Its very weird how days became years and things changed so much. How my consciousness grew to engulf the complete school. How the same place made me root for it so much when i left it because it made me grow and that is for sure. It gave me these challenges I thought I would never conquer. I used to walk the place with this low confidence and esteem but the urge to fight. To be great academically, never settling for any less - keep trying to be better at it. To be known among people, to go on stage and challenge myself. I used to steal things in school, I used to be very unfocussed. Probably in second standard when i won the dance competition when my teacher forced me, I realised for the first time that i really want her to feel good about me as a kid. I want her to look at me the way she was and so I became this loyal and good kid. It was around 4th standard when I decided that i will not be ordinary in my studies and make that effort. That was the time i started preparing hard for each and every test. This was a habit that took me to a lot of places and made me a topper in years to come. I forgot everything and completely gave myself away to studies because i realised that was the currency that can unlock teh doors to any place for me. I was so happy. I used to like this one girl - she was hot and in my brother's class but I didnt have the courage to tell her that. I got really obsessed about her. She became part of my world, a world my parents had no idea about. Then, i forgot her and eyed this new girl. so, i wanted to fall in love, i wanted to score 100 on 100 in everything, probably win any competition i be a part of and thats it. If my life was that way forever maybe i would have been fine but no... I wanted to crack IIT now. I read a book which was pretty thin, i wonder if the length of book was much i would have not read it and then IIT would have never struck me. I started preparing for these coaching tests and did better than average mostly but not too good. I was never good at olympiads, never. I prepared for it and got into fiitjee. When i cleared 10th, I didnt know my life was about to change completely.
I lost the academic hold I had in life because of the pressure at coaching which I hated. I hated not being able to focus on school, I hated not being able to do well in coaching which was another new challenge in my life. given a choice to go back, I would have simply focused on school and boards, thats it. I would have read more and I would have focused on developing myself during those last few years in school. I really felt I can end up in IIT, i wished for it very hard because thats where the smart people go. It is a stamp on my abilities which I still seeking after 10 years of entering into school. 11th standard was the lowest I have ever felt about myself, i was surely in some depression and not balanced at all. I took the right call, the reason was dumb maybe but the call was right. I remember the first time, things seemed to ease and i realised i am going no where. My heart just wanted to make a come back and i proposed Sakshi. She, to my surprise, denied. We were not a match at all, see could see it but i couldnt. I was just tired of failing. i wanted to win her so bad, more than anything else now. I fucked up alot but the pain of rejection was eating me. I was so rejected I want to do well academically in school, forget about fiitjee and become the head boy whenever i get that chance. In coming summer, things will take a huge turn. I would drop out of fiitjee, come back to school and focus. Leaving fiitjee was the first time i accepted that i can fail, though not completely. I became the headboy and the glamour was amazing. thats all i wanted my entire life and it came for free to be honest. I wanted a girlfriend now but sakshi wont oblige so i started talking to as many girls i could on facebook. Those days my internet consumption was all about chatting with girls and so i made alot of friends, people i thought were too cool to be my friend. my circle grew and i came in contact with ishita. she became the central point of my life because it was the huge missing peice of my life - finding love and it was right there. when school got over, i was shocked. i didnt prepare for it, in fact i ignored its end completely and then, i could not take it. I ran away from vipassana, I didnt study for IIT exams, I could not clear my head over DU admissions, so finally i was at home, defeated, not getting admission anywhere at all.
i think everything was gone, thats how it felt at that time. it was so sad and depressing. the relationship was also unnecessary and dishonest. gandharva was great but then i also left it. its easy to leave things when you think the most important thing is gone and that was school. my world revolved around winning it and now it was gone. i had no choice, with tensions in house, i started studying but also waiting to meet ishita, also to find some work, to study. I got into college next year which was a big relief. to be very honest, i just wanted to go to a college and hardly cared about the degree, fees or anything. i was desperate but i hated college. i hated the fact that i didnt go to IIT. that i felt so bad about myself as a person. what did i achieve? a girlfriend, yes and so i did everything to maintain her as i thought if she runs away, nothing will be left. whenever i feel like that, mostly it goes away and she was slipping away in front of my eyes. i got a tuition, got some money but the relationship was failing me. 2016 when i broke up, i entered into a disgusting phase of my life. i questioned everything. i didnt want to live for sure. i tried killing myself but i could not. I know i have never felt that helpless, that lost and that dead at any point of time in my life. who am i if not this person, not school? where to go? who will tell me? so i started going to any place that would expect me. talking to any person who would expect me? my friendships improved for the first time. my understanding improved. I was looking at myself from a different lens now. it was the lens of self growth and self improvement. all those good things made sense now. i was not limited. i was free and exploring. I decided to do MBA. in my last call to ishita, i told her that i will do MBA and everything from that day was to do MBA, why? dont know... it suits me maybe. at least more than engineering. did so many things, built resume and entered IIM Ranchi. in ranchi, again everything changed. i felt like i am asked to do things i did so well in school but dont want to do now. i felt little about myself again but with this new understanding now, i was actually doing well. As i sit here and write today, i can say last year has been the most important year in terms of my self understanding. I am changing so rapidly and learning things about myself so quickly.
So whats the plan?
the plan is to be free. the plan is to challenge myself and also make friends, love, money.
joy lies in creating i see... whenever i do somethign and i feel it happened because of me, i feel i have done something significant in life. my life, other people's life. so thats what i will do - create.
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