It is in October 2020. Weird year for everyone but when it's for everyone, it isn't weird, right? It has turned out to be a good phase for me. I have worked hard, opened some dimensions, and used the time in my hands. Being at home is good, it actually relaxes me unlike in Ranchi, where so many emotions were flowing even when I was relaxed. I feel fine and feel truly productive.
This 2020 is a lot like 2013. The year I was in the 12th standard and a lot of uncertainty was ahead of me. I chose to trap myself in love and revolved my life around it. I chose to make it feel all real and larger than life. Today, I look back at myself from those times and confess my mistakes but the same mistakes made me who I am today and there is no doubt about that.
I had left Fiitjee owing to not being able to manage myself, what I wanted and how much was I willing to put in. The whole Fiitjee thing was odd because I remember I really wanted to go there and study. I enjoyed studying things too but It was too much to catch up on. I was not used to it. I was used to a set amount of information that you needed to know and then rote it or build on it. Much of my self-esteem was driven out of how I felt on the extra mile but in Fiitjee there was no extra mile. Everything was necessary for something which always was too far while in school, exams were not so far and easily triumphal. Was I learning, yes but I lacked the consistency because I was driven internally and a lot of things were against how I wanted to view the world around me. I wanted to sit back and relax and think about things rather than running for something I doubted if I really wanted. The continuous stimulation was required and so, I left the place. It was good and focus back on school. Enjoying school life as it was. By october, I was feeling much more relaxed and attuned at school, totally ignorant of what was going on around me.
If I go back, I would have shown the courage to ask myself, what do I really want? Maybe, time! to explore this very question. So, I would want to be in a course that's generic. I doubt if I would have even taken science in 11th. I would have perhaps settled with Commerce and wanted to later study in some odd DU College. October was the transition phase where questions were getting bigger and I had no answers. I had this parallel heartbreak thing going on and then, suddenly my instincts were caught off gaurd. I was in a relationship in a snap. My life and its sur changed. I had nothing planned so the pivot was huge. I started giving into my feelings and I would call it a really emotionally unstable time for me. The year that came changed me. I didn't expect no admission scenario post school. I didn't expect to go back and relook for admission. I didn't expect any stupidity that I did. Suddenly, that streak was gone that Oh, I got it all sorted. I realised I don't have any plans for anything. 2014 and early 15 was just about getting somewhere, so when I got MAIT, I was relaxed. I wanted to enjoy that life too but my relationship that had assumed too much importance didn't let me. I could not choose between the two lives and I had no free time to ponder over things and I didn't want to commit the same mistakes that I did of not knowing where to go, what to do? Internally, the question needed to be answered - the question that what do I really want?
Then, of course breakup happened. Back to ground zero, in fact breeding ground. Wanted to win over the world because that's what she demanded of me - to be a winner and that's when she will stay. Fuck that! Tried that and then.. MBA happened. Moving to this new world and leaving behind the old, a lot of understanding has creeped in.
Life is not a movie, life is dynamic. No one life is similar to other in no times. There are coincidences and that's it. Don't try to match your life with someone else but treat it as a standalone project. Don't compare and let it be free from notions. That's it. Also, give yourself the breathing space to sit and think back on life.
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