Back at the 12th Square

 I feel devastated. I feel lost and I don't have energy for anything. 

The reason is mostly my job. If I think harder, the reason is not having a clear sense of direction within job and then within life. My job doesn't seem to add to it. Until last week, I thought I was setup for a challenging but huge responsibility. It was taken away, again!

I don't know where I am setting up myself for. There is one part of my brain that says I should look for switches, but switching will shake my life too much too early. I feel like coming to Bangalore was a big challenge and I have done well at this. I don't want to make this decision look pale or unworthy this quickly. 

There is that same part of brain that asked me to look for a business idea but I know I am not ready for it, mentally and financially. 

There is the other part of my brain that asks me to focus on the good, stay connected and try to have a good time at job, while also earning loads of money this next year. Pay off major chunk of my debt. Bring that 15.86 to 4 or 5 and look try different things. 

Karishma has a different viewpoint but I strongly want this debt to go and go very quickly and that's the only thing I am clear about. That's why affinity towards sticking to the job is more. 

I know the one year will pass real quick. I know more opportunities will come up. My work ex is increasing and I don't want to make any dumb decision at this point. It is my big fear that I will lose everything and come back to square one where I am unable to do anything. Maybe life happens beyond that, just how it happened in 12th grade. 

I need some energy as of now. To try these new things, to change the scene at job and to earn those extra bucks somewhere. I need to be going now. New things are waiting. 

Abhishek

Year 2021 Recap

 Jan '21 - Started with Placement Hustle. Ended up getting Placed. It was an important moment and I celebrated with friends, family and Karishma. One of the most relieving and satisfying periods. 

Feb '21 - This month was all about going back to campus, reliving the lost time with MBA friends. Not a great time for a relationship as I overwhelmed myself with people there, creating self-doubts in the process. 

Mar '21 - Better in terms of experiences. Went to Patna, Sikkim, a lot of new places in Ranchi with new people. Closing that chapter. 

Apr '21 - Started on a positive point, learning driving, redefining the relationship with Karishma, Bracing myself for Bangalore, missing MBA. And then for the first time, feeling scared about losing my life. The second wave began. 

May '21 - Dark Covid phase continued, frustration grew, darkness. Began working. Nothing else was happening. 

June '21 - Work grew, hated it honestly. This phase was about working more and hating it at the same time. 

July '21 - Was about reworking work life, personal life. Easing myself off, self-care. 

Aug '21 - Started going out regularly. Things started to get better work-wise. Started going to the gym. 

Sep '21 - Had the Udaipur Trip. Busy with house shifting discussions. 

Oct '21 - House Shifting took place. Left gym. 

Nov '21 - Made positive contributions to work. Started taking the next steps. Bought Kindle. 

Dec '21 - Work setback but positive overall. Sentiment improved in all spheres. 

So, overall a positive year. Marked by first job experience. 

Who Are You?

 First Layer: factual aspects

Physical body

name, address, identity. 

Second Layer: Personality

Introvert/Extrovert

Stable or adventure or gets bored easy

open minded closed minded

thinks alot, thinks less

Third Layer: Core Beliefs

What certain things mean to you

Money

Work

Relationships

Health

Fourth layer: Mix of all, what is it you want?

short wants

long term wants

what kind of life you want in 5 years?

Nothing Poetic

 I realized I did not write for a long time. I realized I haven't been true to myself for a long time either. I feel old. I feel limited. I don't feel special anymore. 

Yes, I am trying to improve. I went to gym. I started budgeting. I tried to work hard on my job yet I don't want to stand up and clap for my efforts. I have at best given my 30% to any task I have done lately and this disappoints me. The lack of obsession disappoints me. The feeling of tearing myself out of my limitation and showing a brave face to my life everyday is missing and that disappoints me. 

If I am at gym, I feel like I have escaped the pain it offers, almost missing out on any physical transformation I set for. If I am at work, I have escaped the work to an extent I am almost questioned about my abilities at work. If I have to be honest, I am not doing anything at work. I feel so ordinary. I don't feel good about any of my efforts lately. If I am in relationship, I feel like I am just letting it be. I have stopped enjoying the seasons and stopped enjoying the person I am with. I am not meditating, I am not reading, I am not excercising well, I am not eating well, I am not feeling good about myself and I don't have energy left within me for anything. I don't work like I am here to make a difference. I don't treat my girl the way she deserves. All of this has to change. 

I have got more than I deserved, always. I don't want to feel like this. What's the point of all the hardwork and being tough on oneself? You become lousy. It reflects on your personality so badly. In the quest of things not affecting you a 100%, you stop giving your complete self to the work which is disappointing. I feel so BASIC. I feel like I am just being an animal, playing defensive and offensive. 

And at the end of the day, I don't feel in control of anything. I am letting external forces shape my life. Where am I? Not really at alot of places. I want to be here. I want to be intensely present in each aspect of my being. I want to live if that's the task at hand and I want to grow madly. 

Things will change I promise to myself! Kudos 

Nostalgia aur tassali

Umr ke saath bade baste khali huye

anticipation wala, intezaar wala

aane wale kal ke khauf wala, nahi...

vo aaj bhi utna hi bada hai

lekin ek basta kuch zyada bhari ho gaya hai

nostalgia ka basta, yaadon wala, voi...

nostalgia ka lagta nahi that kabhi itna important ho jaega

vo seekha raha hai, sabse important teacher ki tarah

nostalgia seekhata hai koi bhi waqt ho aur kaisa bhi ho

is baste mein tatolte waqt accha hi lagta hai

bura bhi accha, accha toh bohot hi accha

bohot choti choti cheezein..

jaise ye pouch.. jisme barsaat ki uss shaam pant gandi karke

samosa lene gaye the aur momos bhi le aaye the

40 rupai ka extra kharcha, kaise aaj itni important khushi ban gaya 

uss ladki ki haan, aur doore ki naa

kaise utna hi meetha hai

vo kam aaye number, vo 100/100 aaj sab utna hi zaroori

aur log.. topping ki tarah hote hain

jo mere life ke crust par aate jaate badalte rehte hain

vo na bohot zaroori hain, na kam.. vo hain, jaise hawa..

The mandatory October post!

 It is in October 2020. Weird year for everyone but when it's for everyone, it isn't weird, right? It has turned out to be a good phase for me. I have worked hard, opened some dimensions, and used the time in my hands. Being at home is good, it actually relaxes me unlike in Ranchi, where so many emotions were flowing even when I was relaxed. I feel fine and feel truly productive. 

This 2020 is a lot like 2013. The year I was in the 12th standard and a lot of uncertainty was ahead of me. I chose to trap myself in love and revolved my life around it. I chose to make it feel all real and larger than life. Today, I look back at myself from those times and confess my mistakes but the same mistakes made me who I am today and there is no doubt about that. 

I had left Fiitjee owing to not being able to manage myself, what I wanted and how much was I willing to put in. The whole Fiitjee thing was odd because I remember I really wanted to go there and study. I enjoyed studying things too but It was too much to catch up on. I was not used to it. I was used to a set amount of information that you needed to know and then rote it or build on it. Much of my self-esteem was driven out of how I felt on the extra mile but in Fiitjee there was no extra mile. Everything was necessary for something which always was too far while in school, exams were not so far and easily triumphal. Was I learning, yes but I lacked the consistency because I was driven internally and a lot of things were against how I wanted to view the world around me. I wanted to sit back and relax and think about things rather than running for something I doubted if I really wanted. The continuous stimulation was required and so, I left the place. It was good and focus back on school. Enjoying school life as it was. By october, I was feeling much more relaxed and attuned at school, totally ignorant of what was going on around me. 

If I go back, I would have shown the courage to ask myself, what do I really want? Maybe, time! to explore this very question. So, I would want to be in a course that's generic. I doubt if I would have even taken science in 11th. I would have perhaps settled with Commerce and wanted to later study in some odd DU College. October was the transition phase where questions were getting bigger and I had no answers. I had this parallel heartbreak thing going on and then, suddenly my instincts were caught off gaurd. I was in a relationship in a snap. My life and its sur changed. I had nothing planned so the pivot was huge. I started giving into my feelings and I would call it a really emotionally unstable time for me. The year that came changed me. I didn't expect no admission scenario post school. I didn't expect to go back and relook for admission. I didn't expect any stupidity that I did. Suddenly, that streak was gone that Oh, I got it all sorted. I realised I don't have any plans for anything. 2014 and early 15 was just about getting somewhere, so when I got MAIT, I was relaxed. I wanted to enjoy that life too but my relationship that had assumed too much importance didn't let me. I could not choose between the two lives and I had no free time to ponder over things and I didn't want to commit the same mistakes that I did of not knowing where to go, what to do? Internally, the question needed to be answered - the question that what do I really want?

Then, of course breakup happened. Back to ground zero, in fact breeding ground. Wanted to win over the world because that's what she demanded of me - to be a winner and that's when she will stay. Fuck that! Tried that and then.. MBA happened. Moving to this new world and leaving behind the old, a lot of understanding has creeped in. 

Life is not a movie, life is dynamic. No one life is similar to other in no times. There are coincidences and that's it. Don't try to match your life with someone else but treat it as a standalone project. Don't compare and let it be free from notions. That's it. Also, give yourself the breathing space to sit and think back on life. 

Turning 24

last year was the year of change as we knew it would be. the engineering life that i didnt choose to the mba life that i chose. living with your own choices is difficult i found than looking for bright spots in a place you didnt fit into. After I turned 23, there was a rather small stint of me staying back in my previous mould. Life was seducing me into change. So, life could have gone either way on May 1 when i didnt make it to MDI. The fear came back that I will add up to nothing eventually. Life then grabbed my attention with both hands and threw it in a place i would never imagine myself into. 

Suddenly, I was about to be a father. Suddenly, the girl I love is in this health emergency that is nightmare for anyone who is my age. Life seemed unfair with what was happening to Karishma. May was really tough last year, it was really tough mentally, emotionally. I mean the year began with a big test and kept testing me throughout. By the end of May, I just wanted to fly to this new world in waiting. To focus on the right things away from here but it was such a bad spot to be in. I was about to go to Kashipur which diluted when I got a call from Ranchi. Now, I was going to Ranchi mixed with excitement, guilt and a lot of fear. MBA life as it starts, it tests you. The start is really testing and it was a sort of identity crisis with all these new courses and new environment and people who will harass you. Ranchi walked at its own pace and it was pretty fast for me. I remember putting this yellow chit on wall from Day 21 to Day 1. Each month was so heavy to pass until I got placed in October. Now, was the time to enjoy, explore and live with some satisfaction while what i did in the last three months of 2019 disgraced me. 

I got weird. I wanted to break free of the sorrow, all kinds. I wanted a new girlfriend or two, if i can hold onto them. I wanted to play some games and the way i will be brought down because of that emotionally and in my relations, the loss will be huge. 

The new year though began very positively. I wanted to mend everything that went wrong. I studied, I played harder, the internship became my burning goal and in all of that, I confessed Karishma. I wanted her to know all my darkest sides. She embraced it in a hard way, i broke her but then she came to Ranchi and that felt like the god is on our side. When she went, I became very focused and very studious. I did things I didnt think I can. that made me proud of myself. 

And then corona happened. I left everything and came back to house. Back to where it all started. In the house, yes the internship is on. yes, i completed reading few books and stuff. But there is so much more that i look forward to in 2020 and from this 24. 

Few things - 

1. I want to read and complete reading all those amazing books that i will add on amazon.

Books related to business, to life, to history and anything that fits my interest. 

2. I want to embrace my relationships more. I want be kind to people i dont know and show my immense love for the once i know and love. 

3. I want to put my body through some test and feel fit. Its very hard to feel fresh and good about myself when I am immobile. 

4. I want to experience more. Live this year like an explorer doing things that will stretch me. Doing some crazy work that i am proud of. Seizing those opportunities and not wait for one day to chase my dreams. I would like to find and start working on a startup idea. 

Its high time to leave behind the shackles of past relationships, college, regrets to look forward to the year of stretching myself and becoming a truly better version of the self.