Have you felt this way that a feeling that once affected you so deeply now appears far from you? Far upto a point that you cannot touch it anymore or feel it fully. All you can do is watch it affect you sometimes with little control.
It's been two years now since i am single, two years is a long time. It's longer than the usual two years because it's made up of sleepless nights and days hard to bear but i have changed. Really!
Coming out of school, i was really raw. I had a lot of confidence but i was aimless. I must accept i am born with my own problems and i am pretty much self taught. There's mix of so many things in me.
Talking of confidence, there have been times i feel low on confidence also. It's this variation in my attitude or say reliance on feelings that sometimes leave me astray. I am not able to focus properly. I have come to realise it's very easy for me to sway away in pursuits and feel jeopardise really often.
I can clearly lose my own control in front of my own eyes and that can extract my confidence out of me.
I am 22 now, ageing fast, i feel more in control of my feelings. The credit goes to alot of opportunities where i pushed my limits and that makes me believe i am limitless. I can really be whoever i want to be right in the league of the successful with the self awareness that's required to take one to places. Spending a little time in doing something really gives me tremendous insights into the flow of things so i can express myself more freely and better post that.
Today is 31st May, Its been a month i turned 22. I am at an age where i want to work really hard each day to bring myself the satisfaction. Apparently, this one thing i have in my heart where if i am not satisfied with myself, i feel bad. Apart from all the motivation from world and inside, i feel the negative push is from this craving to satisfy myself.
Yesterday, it was my ex's birthday. I am really low on confidence these days because of being trapped in exams, it's an easy track but i have really lost my will to study and score marks. The more i work, the more i want to work and do less of this meaningless education drama. So, then i realised Ishita has distanced herself even more to me which is bad. This is a series of things she has done so she can put me away which i feel is reasonless. I remember once telling you, even if we end - lets end on a point where there is mutual respect. She has broken that promise which isn't a surprise either. This also makes me think about the people i was sure about were my life and now i see... how away they are! How unaffected and uncaptured. So, there was a phase when i was in my 12th Grade that i started socialising to a lot of boys and girls in my batch and i think it was part of that raw abhishek i knew. I was doing what i felt like and i was so sure i wanted this. I feel like i was so lost and really reaped bad outcomes because of my lack of judgement. I faced a lot of criticism and everything but that was more because of my own shit - in not seeing what the consequences could be and miscalculating so much.
Ok, Last year was really different from this one. Uptil now, If i compare the first five months from the last year i feel - last year was so much about assets that i already had and enjoying those, giving me the boost that i am worthy of appreciation and a great fight. This year, i made a point on ending alot of those things i started last year, most of them are already over for two months now. I sit here belonging to very less but this one word - Futz. I am treating futz as this one thing in my life that i want to bet alot of things on - much like Ishita. The great thing about this is - worst the team can lose its motivation and disintegrate but i am sure this idea and pursuit wont leave me, i am also in process to learn as much as i can in building a company. Building a company was always my dream - Steve Jobs is like a grandfather. I am excited that i will be creating my life around this for the next few months but i am also scared about failing. I think it's the lack of confidence i am bringing along with me from my Btech and other stuff. Alot of my decisions including Btech is like... i dont know! Why i chose this when i was sure i didnt want this at all. So you see, Btech came from the lack of judgement and casual attitude i showed in 12th standard which infact is result of the lack of preparation when i came in 11th. I was so away from the real war, in my own mental imagery and that i think came from being too busy in being content in my performance in school - based on rote learning which gave me marks but never enough to perform outside well.
My father goes transfer next month. Something which only happened to me when i was in 7th grade much before this tree was only a seed. Those were winters of 2008. Now that i think of it, my breakup happened almost two years back. I was in relationship for 2.5 years, so i came in relationship almost 5 years ago. My father transferred 5 years before that. So, yes 10 years later when almost everything is so different and i am here, beaten up, little more mature and having most of what i wanted in first place.
The only desire i have now is to set myself up in the league where i can satisfy myself and say i have justified the immense talent i have - i am really betting on the business side of mine and i really think i am entrepreneurial enough. It's time i start learning new stuff, i bet more on myself and make my intellectual grandpa proud of me.
It's 31st May 2018 and there's so much that needs to be done!
It's been two years now since i am single, two years is a long time. It's longer than the usual two years because it's made up of sleepless nights and days hard to bear but i have changed. Really!
Coming out of school, i was really raw. I had a lot of confidence but i was aimless. I must accept i am born with my own problems and i am pretty much self taught. There's mix of so many things in me.
Talking of confidence, there have been times i feel low on confidence also. It's this variation in my attitude or say reliance on feelings that sometimes leave me astray. I am not able to focus properly. I have come to realise it's very easy for me to sway away in pursuits and feel jeopardise really often.
I can clearly lose my own control in front of my own eyes and that can extract my confidence out of me.
I am 22 now, ageing fast, i feel more in control of my feelings. The credit goes to alot of opportunities where i pushed my limits and that makes me believe i am limitless. I can really be whoever i want to be right in the league of the successful with the self awareness that's required to take one to places. Spending a little time in doing something really gives me tremendous insights into the flow of things so i can express myself more freely and better post that.
Today is 31st May, Its been a month i turned 22. I am at an age where i want to work really hard each day to bring myself the satisfaction. Apparently, this one thing i have in my heart where if i am not satisfied with myself, i feel bad. Apart from all the motivation from world and inside, i feel the negative push is from this craving to satisfy myself.
Yesterday, it was my ex's birthday. I am really low on confidence these days because of being trapped in exams, it's an easy track but i have really lost my will to study and score marks. The more i work, the more i want to work and do less of this meaningless education drama. So, then i realised Ishita has distanced herself even more to me which is bad. This is a series of things she has done so she can put me away which i feel is reasonless. I remember once telling you, even if we end - lets end on a point where there is mutual respect. She has broken that promise which isn't a surprise either. This also makes me think about the people i was sure about were my life and now i see... how away they are! How unaffected and uncaptured. So, there was a phase when i was in my 12th Grade that i started socialising to a lot of boys and girls in my batch and i think it was part of that raw abhishek i knew. I was doing what i felt like and i was so sure i wanted this. I feel like i was so lost and really reaped bad outcomes because of my lack of judgement. I faced a lot of criticism and everything but that was more because of my own shit - in not seeing what the consequences could be and miscalculating so much.
Ok, Last year was really different from this one. Uptil now, If i compare the first five months from the last year i feel - last year was so much about assets that i already had and enjoying those, giving me the boost that i am worthy of appreciation and a great fight. This year, i made a point on ending alot of those things i started last year, most of them are already over for two months now. I sit here belonging to very less but this one word - Futz. I am treating futz as this one thing in my life that i want to bet alot of things on - much like Ishita. The great thing about this is - worst the team can lose its motivation and disintegrate but i am sure this idea and pursuit wont leave me, i am also in process to learn as much as i can in building a company. Building a company was always my dream - Steve Jobs is like a grandfather. I am excited that i will be creating my life around this for the next few months but i am also scared about failing. I think it's the lack of confidence i am bringing along with me from my Btech and other stuff. Alot of my decisions including Btech is like... i dont know! Why i chose this when i was sure i didnt want this at all. So you see, Btech came from the lack of judgement and casual attitude i showed in 12th standard which infact is result of the lack of preparation when i came in 11th. I was so away from the real war, in my own mental imagery and that i think came from being too busy in being content in my performance in school - based on rote learning which gave me marks but never enough to perform outside well.
My father goes transfer next month. Something which only happened to me when i was in 7th grade much before this tree was only a seed. Those were winters of 2008. Now that i think of it, my breakup happened almost two years back. I was in relationship for 2.5 years, so i came in relationship almost 5 years ago. My father transferred 5 years before that. So, yes 10 years later when almost everything is so different and i am here, beaten up, little more mature and having most of what i wanted in first place.
The only desire i have now is to set myself up in the league where i can satisfy myself and say i have justified the immense talent i have - i am really betting on the business side of mine and i really think i am entrepreneurial enough. It's time i start learning new stuff, i bet more on myself and make my intellectual grandpa proud of me.
It's 31st May 2018 and there's so much that needs to be done!
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